It was with a bit of foreboding that I listened to Mark J’s caution, ” week 4 is when we lose a lot of people. At first, I didn’t exactly know what that statement meant, but it filled me with a bit of anxiety…
The initial exhilaration of being selected after 2 failed attempts, had blown away like so many dried leaves and the bare branches was what’s left. the continual struggle to “be present” when doing the readings, Hell, just being able to do the readings and the homework for that matter, on top of the regular daily routine of work, chores and obligations to other family members. I thought my life was busy before! So now, after 4 weeks, Am I still in it to win it? Or Was there a convincing voice (monkey mind) chattering that all this stuff is a bunch of Hooey? Would this course end up being like a lot of other half hearted attempts that I talked myself into that ended in failure? Would this be another attempt at being Hercules, only to quietly fade away like the morning fog?
I must admit that I have had difficulty this week in my DMP re-write. I spent 2 precious hours on it only to trash it all and start over. Doubts about my goals as stated in my DMP, feeling a bit foolish about some of the large income numbers I listed, —you know, fear labeled as sound, practical reasoning. My old (but fading) inner blueprint sounding like a used car salesman, trying to convince me “you’re dreamin dude!”—– Well,I didn’t buy any of it. I’m walking off the car lot of forgotten dreams. I’m on a path with heart….I’ll work out the details as I go.
I’m here, I’m here! I’m here! and I’m not leaving until I get what I came here for!
Well,having said all the above, the course isn’t even close to being complete, and I must say that I did quit this week…I quit giving less than 100%—Yes, the internal push back is still there, but there is another determined voice inside saying “There’s no quitting on my watch, not now, not ever!”
I’m thinking of a famous quote from Marianne Williamson that is brilliant and even used by Nelson Mandela…
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
such powerful, loving, insightful words…They inspire me and fill me with a resolve that is as overpowering as Half Dome in Yosemite. I climb the hill behind my house and shout, ” Make room world, cause I’m here and I’ve got something to say and great gifts to share with you!”
I CAN BE WHAT I WILL TO BE!!! —I PROMISE